Keep an open mind as you read this because
this is just one side of the story. A lady named
Ese Walter (pictured above) is accusing a
pastor with the Common Wealth Of Zion
Assembly of manipulating her sexually/
spiritually. I'm hoping to get the pastor's side
of the story later...that's if he's willing to talk.
Read Ese's story, which she shared on her
blog , below...
This article contains stories that most
‘church people’ don’t want to address.
So, if you are one of those living in denial
and covering up crap going on in the
church, this is where you should stop
reading. Thanks for stopping by.
Now, for the rest of us, please sit down
and switch on your open mind. I want to
talk about something I have kept bottled
up inside for longer than necessary. I
have also decided to use real names, as
my defense for any accusation of slander
is justification . I tell the truth, the whole
truth and nothing but. However, feel free
to throw your doubt around but know
that I am past the shaming game (where
victims of abuse are shot down by
blame) I am no longer a victim but a
survivor who is sharing her experience to
help others caught in same web of
abuse, guilt and shame. We only get to
live once right? So here, it goes…
I recently came to know this event too was
abuse (recently here means about 6 months
ago). It has literally been eating me up having
to drive by another billboard advertising
preachers, or hearing his name, or even trying
to ask about the validity of the entire salvation
story and whether or not there is a God that
truly watches over his people. That being
said, I’m just going to say it as it is. This is a
recap of my affair with Pastor Biodun
Fatoyinbo of COZA (Common Wealth Of Zion
Assembly) Abuja chapter. This affair I have
come to know as a form of abuse as you
would see the different elements of abuse very
present.
I met Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo many years
ago. I was getting bored of the church I was
attending and someone suggested COZA. At
the time, I had never heard about it. My friend
said, go there, I’m sure you would enjoy the
word. But he also gave me a strong warning.
He said he would advice that I remain a
member only and not join the workforce. I
agreed. The first time I attended COZA, I felt it
was my church and decided I was going to
plant my ass there. About eleven months had
gone by and I was still attending the services
quietly and faithfully. I really did like the
church. One day a worker in the church
approached me that the senior pastor wanted
to see me.
Me? I thought. Why would the senior pastor
want to see me? Not the second man but the
head nigga in charge? Ok na! I started to think
my sin was oozing so bad the pastor could tell
I needed Jesus. (Poor old me.) I saw him at
the end of the second service (they had two
services at the time) and he said to me that
he would like me to work with him. I knew I
had no intentions of becoming a pastor so I
had to ask in what capacity. He said he’d like
for me to join a department, preferably the
Pastoral Care Unit (PCU).
A few weeks later, against my friend’s advice
not to join the workforce, I was a PCU
member. All of a sudden, I had some status in
church. I was ‘somebody.’ Dress had to be on
point, hair, shoes and what not… As workers,
we were literally trying to outshine each other
or so it seemed. Anyways, I felt like I was a
privileged member of an elite circle. Hehehe.
(It did feel good though, for the most part.)
About a year after joining the workforce, I was
on my way to London for a Masters degree
program that would last two years. As was
the rule for workers travelling, I wrote to say I
would be away for 2 years and Pastor Biodun
Fotoyinbo asked that I keep in touch by
sending him my number and email when I had
settled in London so he “ makes sure I
continue in the faith ” because according to
him, people loose their faith when they leave
home and he wanted to make sure I didn’t.
So, on that note, as soon as I got a phone line
in London, I was sure to call ‘my pastor’ to
say I arrived safe, had settled in and also gave
my phone number.
We had spoken a few times especially when
COZA started to stream online. I always
watched and would give feedback on quality
of production and share a little bit on the
challenges I faced settling in a new land. One
evening, Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo called me
that he was coming to London and needed
me to help him make some hotel bookings as
the person who was meant to do it couldn’t
get it done (this was rather strange as I had
never been involved in his travel itinerary)
Later that day, he said it had been sorted and
my help would not be required but that he
would like me to arrange a cab to pick him up
from Heathrow. I was happy to help my pastor
from Nigeria and even saw it as a privilege. (I
would later come to learn that all of this was a
calculated attempt to hatch a plan that I
suspect was set in motion when I was asked
to join the workforce.)
The cab guy was there to get him the next day
and when he arrived, he called to ask why I
didn’t accompany the cab to pick him up
(again, this was strange but I stopped my
mind from overanalyzing the situation as I
knew I had no business with his visit to
London) About two hours later, he called me
and said he would like to see me. When I
arrived his hotel, I called from the reception
but he asked that I come upstairs. I got to the
room and tried to stop my mind from thinking
why I was going to his room. As he opened
the door and invited me in, I had to speak to
my heart to stop its palpitations. My better
judgment asked me not to go into the room
but the kind of reverence I had for Pasotr
Biodun Fatoyinbo bordered on fear and I
steeped into that room.
“Care for a drink?” Asked Pastor Biodun
Fatoyinbo.
“No sir,” I said.
“You don’t have to be shy Ese, even if it’s
alcohol, feel free and order what you want.” I
wasn’t sure I heard my pastor asking me to
order alcohol. I imagined it was a test and
ignored the voice inside that was saying, “I’d
have henny and coke please.” He proceeded
to ask how I had been coping in London and if
I was a committed member of any church. He
also said he thought there was something
special about me and wanted to know that I
had not strayed from my faith. I really thought
he had heard I was doing something I
shouldn’t while in London but tried my best to
focus on the conversation instead of my
straying thoughts. He kept telling me to relax
and feel comfortable with talking to him. After
a few minutes, he asked that we go to the roof
of the hotel as his room was a pent suite and
had a connecting door to the roof.
While there, he sat on a reclining chair and
asked me to come sit on his laps. This was a
bit awkward for me and I froze for a moment
as I asked why. He said he had told me to feel
free with him and loosen up. I found myself
strolling to sit on his laps. At that moment, I
felt like a little girl who was experiencing
something her mind couldn’t fathom. He
asked me to kiss him and all I could think
about was seeing him preach on the pulpit
back in COZA Abuja, Nigeria, which was my
home church. He again said ‘feel free Ese.’
And asked again, that I kiss him.
A few hours later, let’s just say, we were rolling
under the sheets. It felt as though my mind
had paused. I am not saying I was jazzed,
(although it’s possible I was in some
trancelike state and didn’t know it but I just
was so afraid that I couldn’t say or think
otherwise.) That was the beginning of this
affair. A sexual affair that went on for a little
over a week, DAILY!
I can hear somebody’s mind thinking, ‘well,
you weren’t raped.” And I remember a pastor I
opened up to when I couldn’t take all the mind
games asking if I seduced him. No, I didn’t
seduce him and no, I wasn’t raped but I felt
trapped in this affair. Come to think of it, how
could I have seduced him when I wanted
nothing from him? I mean, I was too busy
minding my business in London trying to get
through with my masters program and I was
overly comfortable. And even if I wanted to
seduce anyone, it wouldn’t be a married man,
not to mention a married pastor.
What I couldn’t reconcile the whole time, was
how the same person who preached against
the very things we were doing (i.e drinking in
pubs, fornicating, committing adultery) was
the same person endorsing and encouraging
it.
At some point, I got really confused about
what Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo and I were
doing that I had to ask how he handles it. I
will never forget what he said to me. He said
and I quote, “I will teach you a level of grace
that you don’t understand.” My mind couldn’t
fathom that somehow grace was enough
covering for not just fornication on my path,
adultery on his path and the many lies that
was bound to follow what we were doing that
was clearly abominable. I somehow dealt with
the thoughts and fears that followed on my
path. He had said to me that he wanted me to
be his girlfriend and he would take me around
the world and spoil me with money and
things. Somehow, money had never been one
of the things that motivated me (I am from a
home where all my needs have been
adequately met) In all my ‘badness’ through
finding myself, I never did things I did for
money but more of rebellion against rules and
authority.
Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo also said to me that
he had a dream where I exposed what was
happening to the media. Said it was all over
the place and that people were calling me the
girl that caused chaos in COZA. He also said I
should remember the bible said to “touch not
God’s anointed.” I immediately started to
rebuke the devil and said I could never do
anything like that. I was almost swearing with
my entire family as I thought really I had
touched God’s anointed by submitting my
body to be used. Little did I know at the time
that all of these were ways to mess with my
mind and even manipulate my thoughts.
Fast-forward a few months later, I was back
in Nigeria and my church had become
uncomfortable. Anytime I sat in church and
listened to Pastor Biodun preach, I felt shame.
I finally sent him a message saying I wasn’t
comfortable anymore. I was confused and
needed to talk about what had happened. He
said I should meet him to talk and I did. It was
a really weird meeting for me especially when
he tried to kiss me at our meeting. I finally
realized at this point that he couldn’t help me.
I thought God was angry with me and I
couldn’t pray so I decided to withdraw
completely from COZA. This was the
beginning of my mental torture. I couldn’t talk
to my family because already, I was the only
one attending a different church and
somehow my mom never liked the idea. As
the days went by I tried to use drinking and
smoking to cover up the deep shame and guilt
I was battling with. But as soon as the high
was over, the thoughts came back and I felt
stuck like I couldn’t move forward.
I felt I had to talk to someone and I decided to
speak to my then good friend, Ernest Akale
but unfortunately for me, Mr. Ernest did not
have the capacity to hold what I said to him.
He broke down completely the days that
followed and I found myself having to pause
how I was feeling and what I was struggling
with to help my friend be strong. After a while,
he withdrew from not just me but his then
fiancé and friends. I had to then tell the fiancé
what had caused it (she suspected we were
having an affair so I had to clear the air) To
my surprise she was a lot stronger than her
man and told me to suck it up (I’m
paraphrasing). She said if she were me, she
wouldn’t leave the church but stay to torment
Pastor Biodun and collect money from him.
Ok! That sounded extreme for me, as my
intention was not to blackmail but to heal my
broken self. Anyways, I finally found the
courage to speak to my then unit head who
said he was going to talk to Pastor Biodun but
didn’t have the liver to do so. Before long, the
story was spreading and naturally getting
twisted.
I went to a new church and it seemed like the
COZA bug had chased me there. The pastor
would always refer to COZA as some example
and each time that was done, it seemed like a
spear was thrust through my chest. One day, I
broke down in the service and started crying
uncontrollably, as I couldn’t take another
mention of COZA and the pictures it painted in
my head.
Very long, boring story cut short, for the last 5
months I gave the whole church thing a big
space and break. I wasn’t sure I believed in
God. I wasn’t sure I understood what it meant
when people said ‘Jesus saves” and I
definitely wasn’t sure how to deal with the
mental torture that was affecting not just me
but my relationships with family and friends. I
was very unstable, fearful and worst of all
guilty. I got a chance to talk to Pastor Folarin
of COZA Lagos Chapter, popularly called
Pastor flo about everything. I made an effort
to reach out to him because I realized the
right thing to do was talk to an elder in the
church and seek some sort of remedy to a
wrong I believed had been done me.
Instead, Pastor Flo said, Pastor Biodun had
confessed to him and they had ‘talked ’ about
it and somehow that was supposed to be Ok.
He asked what it was I wanted coming to talk
to him about it when I did, I told him I realized
what happened between Pastor Biodun
Fatoyinbo and I was wrong and not just that I
felt abused and manipulated. I also said I
thought it was wrong for Pastor Biodun to go
on preaching without taking time to deal with
his personal character flaws. I said I thought
he was danger to all the young women that
attended the church. Come to think of it,
maybe he meant if I wanted something
monetary or material (as someone had
suggested when I opened up to her) but the
truth is, I never wanted his money (or is it the
church member’s money.) All I wanted was to
meet with him and have him accept that he
misled me, betrayed his wife and the church
he pastors. I wasn’t the only lady in COZA
who had been a victim of his sexcapades and
manipulative patterns but I was the one who
could come back after months of struggle with
not just my faith but also my affair with him.
And I wanted to set things right. I wanted to
talk to Pastor Biodun Fatoyinbo maybe for
closure and I felt like I needed an apology
because he played the “touch not my
anointed” card to keep me locked in guilt,
shame and fear when all along it was a
calculated plan and I dare say, it started when
he asked me to join the workforce.
Not to mention the audacity to talk about
teaching me a level of grace I didn’t
understand. I had no intention of
understanding a grace that would permit me
to go on doing things that were wrong and
what’s worse having to carry the burden for
almost a year.
Different surprising advises came up in the
weeks that followed the rumour making
rounds. I was told to hush because Pastor
Biodun Fatoyinbo had been a cultist in the
past and could send people to shut me up. All
my so-called friends in COZA withdrew from
me and treated me like I had the plague. What
was worse was Pastor Flo finally saw my then
pastor to ‘talk ’ about what had happened with
Pastor Biodun and lied that it happened once
and was a mistake. My question then
became, ‘do these people even care how
broken I had become?’ ’do they care about
the emotional and spiritual welfare of the
people they were pastoring?’ The sad answer
was NO. Most of us old members of COZA
kept leaving but they couldn’t care less. What
was important was to keep growing the
church and having more and more cars with
stickers that read “More than enough.” Back
then, I always felt horrible when I saw another
car drive past me with the sticker. I was
breaking, I was struggling but no one could
help. All they could do was ask me to hide so
Pastor Biodun’s goons don’t hurt me. And
then the interesting one was if I had evidence
to prove my claim. Let me just say here that,
it isn’t a claim, it’s a confession to free me
from all of the guilt and shame I have had to
live with for no reason at all. (That being said,
I have evidence to prove all I have said here,
the latest being a 58 minutes recording of my
meeting with Pastor Flo a few months back)
This is my confession and I cannot begin to
describe how much weight has been lifted off
of my shoulders just pouring the truth out
about what went down. So, to all my ex COZA
friends gossiping about me, get your facts
right. To those who said they’d help me deal
with the pain but didn’t, I forgive you, I have
learnt how to deal with it and I am doing just
fine. To those who fear for my safety saying
Pastor Biodun would send people to shut me
up, I really have gone past fearing for my life.
To live is gain and to die is Christ (or how
does Paul say it again?) And to the only
person who ever supported me through it all,
thank you, I am learning to be brave. Please
don’t think I am perfect in all of this but in line
with living my authentic life and putting all
forms of abuse behind me, this is where I
press the stop button and stop the bleeding.
This is where I break the silence and call the
church to stand up for what it has been
commissioned to do. If you will not enter the
Kingdom, please don’t stop others who are
trying to enter.
I still remember when I used to nurse the idea
of digging up emails, text messages, hotel
billings (as once I used my card to pay for his
room when his master card failed to work) to
prove there was an affair. It was pathetic.
Why for the love of heaven was I trying to dig
up evidence? I am satisfied setting the record
straight. I am ready for any shaming or
bashing that would follow because the truth
is, because of what I have suffered and come
through, I am really not moved by what people
say or think about me anymore. I am a
stronger woman and a damn abuse survivor
seeking to connect with other victims of abuse
to show them how to deal with the shame,
hurt and guilt and how to come out stronger.
Turning their mess into their message.
I am Ese Walter and I have gone through all
forms of abuse from family, boyfriends, my ex
pastor and some strangers not to break me,
but so I stand and so I qualify to help victims.
My scars have qualified me and when all is
said and done, I will still be standing. I AM
WOMAN, I BEND, I DON’T BREAK!
Cheers to the freaking weekend!!!
